I mean, the title says it all, really. It's been a while.
Writing truly is one of my passions. When it comes to putting words on paper
(or in this case, on the screen) things just seem to flow out of me in ways I
can't verbally express. The words you read are the inner-workings of my heart
and mind. But within the last few months, since my last post, things have been
pretty hard on me. I lost my passion to a lot of things, writing included. I
lost myself. And I've been trying every day to find the person I once was
again. I can't quite express how it feels to know that you lost yourself in
something, or someone, in a negative manner, but I'm going to try my best to.
It's been a while, but I feel like it's time I got back into writing the only
way I know how: I'm going to write my heart out like I used to.
Since the last time I wrote, I have given everything I had to someone who took all of me and left me with nothing. They made me lose my mind (quite literally) and turned me into something, someone, which I had hated. I was filled with so much hate for so long. I hated him for taking everything good from my heart and turning me cold. I hated him for giving me a reputation of someone I knew I wasn't. I hated him for all his broken promises and all his "I love you's" that I eventually learned meant nothing. I hated him for making me feel less than what I am. I hated him for giving me countless nights of tears. Nights where I could barely catch my breath or barely being able to see past the cloud of tears that had filled my eyes. Nights where I'd find myself waking my parents or my brother in the middle of the night because I wasn't strong enough to make it to the morning for someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I hated that I couldn't find it in me to get out of bed some days, and I hated that some days I was so sad that I didn't have the appetite to eat, or the strength to hold anything down when I tried. I hated myself for having this much hate built up in me. I hated myself for allowing this to happen over, and over, and over again. I hated myself for loving him. I hated myself and him for making me feel like I should end it all. And I hate that he has the satisfaction of knowing he had the power to do all of this to me.
And that's just the gist of it.
I knew I was going down a path that I knew all too well. Depression. Caused by the same person years before. It was more than heartbreak. I've had my heart broken before, in a much different way (you can read about that in my past post). This was much more. This was a monster that was created between me and him. A demon who fed me "could have's", "should haves", "what if's" and "why am I not good enough?'s" in my head until I couldn't possibly think of anything else. My thoughts seemed so loud it physically hurt my head on some days. I couldn't let myself continue down that path without doing any more self-destruction.
For those who don't know me, you're probably thinking "this girl is crazy." Well I'll admit, I was. But like I said, I lost myself, and my entire life felt "crazy" for a long time. For those who know me, know that's not the person they know me as. Those that know me, know that I am filled with love and life and a heart bigger than my little body can hold. I'm usually the one that's always laughing. I'm usually the one who makes all the plans to do fun things to bring everyone together, the one who's ready for an adventure or the one who will drop everything to be there for a friend. But that wasn't me for a very long time. I felt like the life I had and the person I was, was completely taken from me and I had to find that person and life again.
So that's exactly what I did. Until I realized: I cannot be that person I so desperately wanted to be again. Someone that I look up to significantly, once told me "to think with my head and not my heart," and I like to believe that I have been doing just that - most of the time. I had to take some time for myself. I had to let go of everything I once was, including a few people. I had to rebuild and redefine who I am. And I am so happy to say that I have. I have redefined myself, while remaining the person that those who love me know me as. I have changed my image. I have changed my views. I am stronger now - stronger than I have ever been. I feel a new level of confidence and beauty within myself that nobody can ever take from me again. I am driven. Ready to do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams and live the life that I deserve to live and look back on with a smile. The person I once was is gone and the person who made me the person that I hated is gone; and I will not let them come back.
I wanted to take this moment to say thank you, to the person who broke me. Because of you, I never would have found the person that I am meant to be. I never would have found my strength in the darkness. I wouldn't have found the people that are meant to be by my side. I wouldn't have found the power of true love and faith from the family and friends that have helped me find my way back. I wouldn't have found the love that I have gained towards myself or the beauty that I now see inside and out of me. I found myself in losing you. And even though I am still learning, I am building and growing to be someone so much greater than the person you once knew. So thank you: for breaking down and taking away that girl you and I both once knew. For you are the one that is missing out on greatness. And I am the one that that is destined to live a life full of happiness.
Since the last time I wrote, I have given everything I had to someone who took all of me and left me with nothing. They made me lose my mind (quite literally) and turned me into something, someone, which I had hated. I was filled with so much hate for so long. I hated him for taking everything good from my heart and turning me cold. I hated him for giving me a reputation of someone I knew I wasn't. I hated him for all his broken promises and all his "I love you's" that I eventually learned meant nothing. I hated him for making me feel less than what I am. I hated him for giving me countless nights of tears. Nights where I could barely catch my breath or barely being able to see past the cloud of tears that had filled my eyes. Nights where I'd find myself waking my parents or my brother in the middle of the night because I wasn't strong enough to make it to the morning for someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I hated that I couldn't find it in me to get out of bed some days, and I hated that some days I was so sad that I didn't have the appetite to eat, or the strength to hold anything down when I tried. I hated myself for having this much hate built up in me. I hated myself for allowing this to happen over, and over, and over again. I hated myself for loving him. I hated myself and him for making me feel like I should end it all. And I hate that he has the satisfaction of knowing he had the power to do all of this to me.
And that's just the gist of it.
I knew I was going down a path that I knew all too well. Depression. Caused by the same person years before. It was more than heartbreak. I've had my heart broken before, in a much different way (you can read about that in my past post). This was much more. This was a monster that was created between me and him. A demon who fed me "could have's", "should haves", "what if's" and "why am I not good enough?'s" in my head until I couldn't possibly think of anything else. My thoughts seemed so loud it physically hurt my head on some days. I couldn't let myself continue down that path without doing any more self-destruction.
For those who don't know me, you're probably thinking "this girl is crazy." Well I'll admit, I was. But like I said, I lost myself, and my entire life felt "crazy" for a long time. For those who know me, know that's not the person they know me as. Those that know me, know that I am filled with love and life and a heart bigger than my little body can hold. I'm usually the one that's always laughing. I'm usually the one who makes all the plans to do fun things to bring everyone together, the one who's ready for an adventure or the one who will drop everything to be there for a friend. But that wasn't me for a very long time. I felt like the life I had and the person I was, was completely taken from me and I had to find that person and life again.
So that's exactly what I did. Until I realized: I cannot be that person I so desperately wanted to be again. Someone that I look up to significantly, once told me "to think with my head and not my heart," and I like to believe that I have been doing just that - most of the time. I had to take some time for myself. I had to let go of everything I once was, including a few people. I had to rebuild and redefine who I am. And I am so happy to say that I have. I have redefined myself, while remaining the person that those who love me know me as. I have changed my image. I have changed my views. I am stronger now - stronger than I have ever been. I feel a new level of confidence and beauty within myself that nobody can ever take from me again. I am driven. Ready to do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams and live the life that I deserve to live and look back on with a smile. The person I once was is gone and the person who made me the person that I hated is gone; and I will not let them come back.
I wanted to take this moment to say thank you, to the person who broke me. Because of you, I never would have found the person that I am meant to be. I never would have found my strength in the darkness. I wouldn't have found the people that are meant to be by my side. I wouldn't have found the power of true love and faith from the family and friends that have helped me find my way back. I wouldn't have found the love that I have gained towards myself or the beauty that I now see inside and out of me. I found myself in losing you. And even though I am still learning, I am building and growing to be someone so much greater than the person you once knew. So thank you: for breaking down and taking away that girl you and I both once knew. For you are the one that is missing out on greatness. And I am the one that that is destined to live a life full of happiness.
