It's been a while. (An open letter to the one who broke me)

I mean, the title says it all, really. It's been a while. Writing truly is one of my passions. When it comes to putting words on paper (or in this case, on the screen) things just seem to flow out of me in ways I can't verbally express. The words you read are the inner-workings of my heart and mind. But within the last few months, since my last post, things have been pretty hard on me. I lost my passion to a lot of things, writing included. I lost myself. And I've been trying every day to find the person I once was again. I can't quite express how it feels to know that you lost yourself in something, or someone, in a negative manner, but I'm going to try my best to. It's been a while, but I feel like it's time I got back into writing the only way I know how: I'm going to write my heart out like I used to.
Since the last time I wrote, I have given everything I had to someone who took all of me and left me with nothing. They made me lose my mind (quite literally) and turned me into something, someone, which I had hated. I was filled with so much hate for so long. I hated him for taking everything good from my heart and turning me cold. I hated him for giving me a reputation of someone I knew I wasn't. I hated him for all his broken promises and all his "I love you's" that I eventually learned meant nothing. I hated him for making me feel less than what I am. I hated him for giving me countless nights of tears. Nights where I could barely catch my breath or barely being able to see past the cloud of tears that had filled my eyes. Nights where I'd find myself waking my parents or my brother in the middle of the night because I wasn't strong enough to make it to the morning for someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I hated that I couldn't find it in me to get out of bed some days, and I hated that some days I was so sad that I didn't have the appetite to eat, or the strength to hold anything down when I tried. I hated myself for having this much hate built up in me. I hated myself for allowing this to happen over, and over, and over again. I hated myself for loving him. I hated myself and him for making me feel like I should end it all. And I hate that he has the satisfaction of knowing he had the power to do all of this to me.
And that's just the gist of it.
I knew I was going down a path that I knew all too well. Depression. Caused by the same person years before. It was more than heartbreak. I've had my heart broken before, in a much different way (you can read about that in my past post). This was much more. This was a monster that was created between me and him. A demon who fed me "could have's", "should haves", "what if's" and "why am I not good enough?'s" in my head until I couldn't possibly think of anything else. My thoughts seemed so loud it physically hurt my head on some days. I couldn't let myself continue down that path without doing any more self-destruction.
For those who don't know me, you're probably thinking "this girl is crazy." Well I'll admit, I was. But like I said, I lost myself, and my entire life felt "crazy" for a long time. For those who know me, know that's not the person they know me as. Those that know me, know that I am filled with love and life and a heart bigger than my little body can hold. I'm usually the one that's always laughing. I'm usually the one who makes all the plans to do fun things to bring everyone together, the one who's ready for an adventure or the one who will drop everything to be there for a friend. But that wasn't me for a very long time. I felt like the life I had and the person I was, was completely taken from me and I had to find that person and life again.
So that's exactly what I did. Until I realized: I cannot be that person I so desperately wanted to be again. Someone that I look up to significantly, once told me "to think with my head and not my heart," and I like to believe that I have been doing just that - most of the time. I had to take some time for myself. I had to let go of everything I once was, including a few people. I had to rebuild and redefine who I am. And I am so happy to say that I have. I have redefined myself, while remaining the person that those who love me know me as. I have changed my image. I have changed my views. I am stronger now - stronger than I have ever been. I feel a new level of confidence and beauty within myself that nobody can ever take from me again. I am driven. Ready to do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams and live the life that I deserve to live and look back on with a smile. The person I once was is gone and the person who made me the person that I hated is gone; and I will not let them come back.
I wanted to take this moment to say thank you, to the person who broke me. Because of you, I never would have found the person that I am meant to be. I never would have found my strength in the darkness. I wouldn't have found the people that are meant to be by my side. I wouldn't have found the power of true love and faith from the family and friends that have helped me find my way back. I wouldn't have found the love that I have gained towards myself or the beauty that I now see inside and out of me. I found myself in losing you. And even though I am still learning, I am building and growing to be someone so much greater than the person you once knew. So thank you: for breaking down and taking away that girl you and I both once knew. For you are the one that is missing out on greatness. And I am the one that that is destined to live a life full of happiness. 

Heartbreak.

  Sometimes I get to thinking about relationships and heartbreaks and how hard it is to come back from something like that when you feel that deeply for someone. How you feel like you can't imagine your life without that one person. Eventually you just get over it and realize it was all just silly and one day you will look back and laugh.
  But then I remember how an individual that I held closest to me was ripped out of my life way too soon. And I remember the physical pain I felt in my entire body when I received that life changing news. How every bone in my body collapsed to the floor and the tears were uncontrollable for days, weeks even. I remember the nights I woke up thinking it was all a bad dream until I realized reality and desperately wishing I could have switched places with him. He was too good. Too young. Too soon. I remember how everyone who was affected felt completely lost, trying to figure out how we were supposed to go on knowing that we no longer had that person to hold us together. I remember all the little memories rushing through my mind; little things like driving around at night talking about life or looking at the stars in the middle of winter, and the thought of never being able to make more memories with that person crushing me like a pile of bricks that only kept coming.
  I wish I could say I was kidding about these feelings, but these feelings were and still are very real and I'm sure there are others that have felt the same way.
  I try to remember the way his voice sounded or the way his smile would brighten up any room. I listen to music that reminds me of him when I need to feel his presence to calm me down. I try to think of things he would say if he were still here. I think of the inside jokes we had, then the biggest grin forms across my face. I look for signs that he's watching down on me, and everyone he left behind.
 There isn't a day that goes by where he isn't on my mind. Not one day has gotten easier, even after a year and a half, and I'm not sure when or if it ever will. I still have those moments where I can't help but break down and question why. Until I remember that's not what he would want me to do. He would want me to remember his goofy self and want me to live my life the way he intended to live his: full of adventure and love.
  Heartbreak isn't that petty love thing that happens when one person lets you down. This is what true heartbreak feels like. Knowing that someone who was too good is gone way too soon and knowing that no matter what you do you can't get them back. It's that physical feeling in your chest when you realize someone that special cannot be replaced. You can't see what they're up to on social media, you can't give them a call and try to hangout or just to chat for a little bit.You can't even find it in you to delete their number from your phone because the thought of it rips you apart. All you can do is take that little piece of them that they left in your heart and do the best you can to let them live through you.

New Year

As we go into the New Year, many of us plan to make this year better than the one before whether it was a good year or bad. 2014 definitely was a year I won’t forget, for many reasons. I met some of the most remarkable people, lost a few others, reunited with more.  I learned the value of relationships between family and friends. I tried to take every opportunity that came my way. I learned to know my worth and found myself along the way. I was blessed to have my beautiful niece come into my life and steal my heart. The highs were high and the lows were extremely low, but I’m glad I had my family and friends by my side through it all. With the New Year, I want to be able to be the same person, but better. So instead of a resolution here are some of my goals I want to work on just to be a better person:

•          Learn to forgive easily
•          Be surrounded by positive energy
•          Help others in need more frequently
•          Procrastinate less (eventually not at all)
•          Get back into shape
•          Travel more
•          Worry less
•          Write more
•          Paint and draw more
•          Spend less foolishly, save more for important things.
•          Learn to let go

Granted, 2014 was one of the best and worst years of my life. Hopefully with these little goals I will become more wholesome with myself and have better days in 2015 than I did in 2014.