Sometimes I get to thinking about relationships and heartbreaks and how hard it is to come back from something like that when you feel that deeply for someone. How you feel like you can't imagine your life without that one person. Eventually you just get over it and realize it was all just silly and one day you will look back and laugh.
But then I remember how an individual that I held closest to me was ripped out of my life way too soon. And I remember the physical pain I felt in my entire body when I received that life changing news. How every bone in my body collapsed to the floor and the tears were uncontrollable for days, weeks even. I remember the nights I woke up thinking it was all a bad dream until I realized reality and desperately wishing I could have switched places with him. He was too good. Too young. Too soon. I remember how everyone who was affected felt completely lost, trying to figure out how we were supposed to go on knowing that we no longer had that person to hold us together. I remember all the little memories rushing through my mind; little things like driving around at night talking about life or looking at the stars in the middle of winter, and the thought of never being able to make more memories with that person crushing me like a pile of bricks that only kept coming.
I wish I could say I was kidding about these feelings, but these feelings were and still are very real and I'm sure there are others that have felt the same way.
I try to remember the way his voice sounded or the way his smile would brighten up any room. I listen to music that reminds me of him when I need to feel his presence to calm me down. I try to think of things he would say if he were still here. I think of the inside jokes we had, then the biggest grin forms across my face. I look for signs that he's watching down on me, and everyone he left behind.
There isn't a day that goes by where he isn't on my mind. Not one day has gotten easier, even after a year and a half, and I'm not sure when or if it ever will. I still have those moments where I can't help but break down and question why. Until I remember that's not what he would want me to do. He would want me to remember his goofy self and want me to live my life the way he intended to live his: full of adventure and love.
Heartbreak isn't that petty love thing that happens when one person lets you down. This is what true heartbreak feels like. Knowing that someone who was too good is gone way too soon and knowing that no matter what you do you can't get them back. It's that physical feeling in your chest when you realize someone that special cannot be replaced. You can't see what they're up to on social media, you can't give them a call and try to hangout or just to chat for a little bit.You can't even find it in you to delete their number from your phone because the thought of it rips you apart. All you can do is take that little piece of them that they left in your heart and do the best you can to let them live through you.
I came across your blog.....not sure how I even got here. But, for whatever reason - I felt I should respond....especially since your words are beautiful and touched me. So I felt you should know they have not gone unnoticed and you are not alone in how you feel.
ReplyDeleteSo, for what it is worth, you are definitely an old soul. I really admire your words and wisdom and you must really have a great support network of friends and family, because it sounds like you are finding healing……I am glad to hear it.
The loss of friends or family members is never easy. When we lose loved ones a mark or a scar is always left on our hearts. These marks do heal with time, but to some degree they are always there. They become part of who we are – for I think everyone we meet and every experience we have changes us in varying degrees.
The important part of healing, which you are doing, is finding acceptance. Finding acceptance is one of the only things we have to do ourselves. (Like the old saying goes, you can only lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink).
I think what I am trying to say is each of us heals differently. Being a guy who wants to “fix” everything and ease the pain my friends feel, I have tried to offer words of advice from my experiences to friends, but have never found any one set of words that could bring healing.
The way you close “Heartbreak” is the only way I know how to live. For the best advice I was given when my Dad passed away was, “His suffering is over. We have to go on with ours. The best way to honor those before us, is to live our lives in honor of them. After all, our relationships with those who pass away before us never change. They will always be our friend or family member. Our relationships are just different.”
Thank you for posting your Blog!